Although one of the smallest words in the English
language, “no” continues to be one of the most difficult to say. It seems strange because it requires only a short time observing toddlers to realize that “no” or more accurately “NO!!!!” seems incredibly easy for them to say at regular intervals. All. Day. Long. Why it is so difficult to say such a small word in adulthood? Saying this tiny word with the ease of a toddler (though perhaps without the volume and dramatic shaking of little fists) is vital to master because it has a role in setting boundaries with other people. And boundaries are often the difference between feeling respected, valued, and understood and feeling unappreciated, taken-for-granted, and resentful. So, I encourage you to buckle up because using that little word can be challenging and uncomfortable. You may even feel like you’re a rotten person for saying it. Guess what? You’re not. Not even a little.
The challenge to saying “no” is that people are often taught to do just the opposite in order to seem polite or agreeable or helpful. If such conditioning means you struggle to say “no” when you really need or want to, you’re going to end up exhausted, overwhelmed, grumpy, and perhaps a little (a lot, just speaking for myself here) pissed off. The recipient of your salty attitude may be one person, your entire family, your classmates, boss, coworkers, or humanity in general. However, underneath your crusty, sodium-rich exterior, someone else is likely the target of your anger: yourself. How many times have you walked away from someone after saying “yes” only to vent silently (or aloud, which is handy if you’re craving personal space) about giving in again? Berating yourself because you should have refused or made an excuse rather than get pressured into whatever you don’t actually want to do? As many times as you struggle and fail to say a resounding “no” when you want to, you set yourself up to feel bad about your ability to advocate for yourself. And the accompanying free prize is that people will assume that you will say “yes” the next time and keep asking. Over and over again.
The declaration of your first “no” to a historically pushy person in your life can be a liberating experience! Until you get the follow-up questions: “Are you sure?” or “Why not?” Or the silky compliment that asserts that no one else can do it as well as you, “But you’d be so great as the head of the parks and rec outhouse rejuvenation program!” The person is counting on the discomfort you will feel when they apply that extra bit of pressure, intended to force you to explain why you are refusing their oh-so-reasonable request. It is a sales tactic. It is about manipulating you into feeling that saying “no” reflects poorly on YOU somehow. Now, I am not suggesting that your roommate pushing you to go out, when you really need to spend the evening writing a paper, is the same thing as the salesman who once tried to budget-shame me about not buying a $1000 vacuum (sooo many other things I’d rather spend money on than cleaning implements). Certainly, a friend wanting to party does not share the same intention as my obnoxious salesman working on commission. But people will try to push you to do what they want by not accepting your initial “no” and demanding an explanation.
I am here to tell you what you absolutely do NOT need to do: justify your decision. Granted, there are situations that require justification like jury duty or not replacing the toilet paper roll. But overall, you get to say “no” to things and when someone pushes you to justify your decision, you can refuse to do so. Seriously. You do not owe an explanation to every person who tries to convince you or pressure you or guilt you into joining this group or volunteering at that event or going out when you really want to stay in and watch another episode of “New Girl” while wearing pajamas and eating mac-n-cheese straight out of the pot. You get to choose what is right for you. No explanation necessary. Sure, you may want to offer an explanation sometimes, and that’s fine too, because it’s your choice. There will be pushy people in your life who are absolutely not entitled to any kind of explanation from you. That does not make you difficult or disagreeable or unhelpful or ungrateful. It means you are choosing to take care of your needs and yourself. And who else is going to do that?
So, I will wrap up with some suggestions for how you can respond to those who would push you to explain or justify what is none of their business.
Pushy person: “But why not?”
You embracing your inner toddler: “BECAUSE NONONONO!!!!!!” (Mmm, perhaps not.)
Your brilliant self, stating calmly and coolly: “Because I can’t.”
Pushy person: “Oh noooo! Are you sure you can’t?”
Your confident self, letting the whine roll right off of you: “Yes.”
Pushy person: “I doubt we can do it without you.” (Frequently coupled with mournful eyes and a slight sniffle.)
You at your tactful, firm, and unswerving best: “I’m sure you can; I hope it goes well.”
Pushy person: “Oh, come ON, you never say ‘yes’ when I ask you to go out with us.”
You refusing to be sucked into the bullshit of absolutes: “Well, if that were true, I wouldn’t have embarrassing photos of us on my phone after one too many drinks, would I?”
In my experience, most people won’t push beyond your second justification/explanation-free refusal. Pushing past that point is rude and disrespectful. In that situation, I wholly support the dignified raising of one eyebrow, Spock style, turning, and walking away.
Thanks for reading. You’ve been Smudged!
Tracy
Please note: the information in these blogs is not intended to be used to diagnose yourself or someone you know and especially not someone you’re currently mad at... These blogs are intended for general psychoeducation and entertainment. The information is not intended to replace the medical or psychiatric advice you would receive when working with a mental health professional. It is always okay to ask for help! I encourage you to do so if you’re struggling or just need some extra care and support. If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 988 or text “Help” to 741741, call 911 or visit your nearest emergency room. There are many people ready and eager to help you.
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